Part One: The Pregnancy

Wow. Where do I start? So much has been going on this year that I haven't even had the time to collect my thoughts and put them down into words. But I really do want to write them down because these are things that I definitely want to remember. Part of me feels that it may have been better to write them down as they were happening so that the memories were fresh and included more detail, but the other part of me realizes that if I had done so, people would have thought I was the most negative, sarcastic, pitiful person they had ever known.

Now, I realize my story may offend some people. I do understand that there are many that would die to be in my shoes. I understand that many people try very hard to have babies of their own and are unable to. I totally get that. And my heart totally does go out to those people. But this is just my story and so I'm going to say it like it was for me. Honesty is important to me and I have never really been one to sugar coat things. So here it is. Part 1: The Pregnancy.

Let's start from the beginning. In the beginning of January, I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Hmm...I haven't started my period yet. Maybe I'm pregnant. Haha no way...I'm not pregnant. That is not even possible." I woke James up and I told him that it had been a few days since I should have started my last period and hadn't. He casually suggested I take a pregnancy test (which I had a box of ONLY because I had been given some at my bridal shower over a year before and knew they would come in handy one day.) I kind of laughed but took one anyways. What did I have to lose? Much to my surprise, this is what I saw:

(Yes this is two of my five pregnancy tests that I took out of complete disbelief.) I walked into the room and collapsed on the bed next to James and cried for what felt like an hour. Why was this happening so much earlier than I wanted it to happen? What about MY plans? How was this even possible? What about my cruise that I had been looking forward to for almost a year? How was I going to go enjoy myself when I was pregnant?! I know, I know. HOW SELFISH AM I?! Totally, 100%, no-doubt-about-it selfish. I see that now. But at the time I had a difficult time looking past that selfishness and recognizing the blessings I was about to receive.

I would be lying if I said my sorrow stopped there. I had moments of self-pity and disbelief (to put it lightly) throughout my entire pregnancy. I was stand-over-the-toilet-barfing sick the ENTIRE pregnancy. In fact when I was about 8 months pregnant I was driving on the freeway and barfed all over myself in the car and had to sit in it until I got home. It's funny to me now. And to be honest at the time I wasn't even that upset because I had been going through it for so long already that it just didn't surprise me anymore. I got home, changed my clothes, and got in bed. Because like, what else do you do when you just barfed all over yourself in the car? When I was on my cruise in Mexico I fell off a horse and got pretty banged up (which is a whole other story). Both physically and emotionally haha. My back went out for over a week. I had several TERRIBLE colds (poor me, huh?! haha.) I was put on bed rest and was in and out of the hospital for about a month due to gestational hypertension. I was forced to deliver my baby a month early and she had to come via C-section (more about that in a separate post). I know that other people have it way worse than I do...but I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Here is a pic of me on the stupid horse in Cabo. I am really good at pretending I feel good in pictures.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT!!!! Before you think I am the most negative person in the entire world, hear me out. I did experience some of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my entire life and it was one of the biggest trials I have ever gone through. But I sincerely feel so so SO grateful for it. Why? Because, well, not only did it give me the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever seen...but it also helped me to recognize some of the biggest blessings I have in life.

1. I have THE BEST, MOST UNDERSTANDING AND LOVING HUSBAND THAT EXISTS. I brag about him a lot, but it is only because he deserves it. There were points in my pregnancy that I was NOT a nice person. He dealt with it like a champ. He served me, loved me, did absolutely everything for me my entire pregnancy with a smile on his face and never once complained. He is the best husband I could ever ask for and this pregnancy helped me realize it even more. Also, he is one incredible daddy.

2. I am so grateful for my health. I have never been to a hospital. I have never had anything terribly wrong with me. I have never had a doctor concerned about my health. This experience was scary and it helped me to value my health and make it a top priority.

3. I am so incredibly thankful for the friends and family that helped support me and lift me up. While on bed rest I had people calling and checking on me almost daily. I had ward members/friends bringing me meals. I had people praying for me, thinking of me, and serving me daily. I never once realized how much that would mean to me until I went through this pregnancy.

4. I am so so so thankful for my little baby Charlotte. She is such a good, happy baby and I now know that everything I went through was for her and it was so worth it! Just look at her!

 

 

Now...stay tuned for my next post...MY BIRTH STORY.