Wow, life is crazy isn't it? I'm pretty sure every time we get to a place where we feel that we have a good understanding of life, a method, a stable concrete floor to stand on, we are given this "thing" that turns us upside down and shakes us up to the point where we don't know where up or down or left or right is. (Please tell me that it isn't just me...) Not that it's always a negative "thing" that causes the commotion. Sometimes it's just what we wanted, just what we were searching diligently for. But, nonetheless, it shakes things up.
I've had a lot of these "things" happen lately. I mean, seriously, just life changing events that have left me feeling..well..very humbled to say the least.
The first and most obvious event that just kind of...happened...was, yep! You guessed it! I got married! But I'll get into that one later. There are two/three that I specifically want to talk about today.
To be honest, I don't really know where to start...there is so much on my mind right now I wish I was really good at putting it all down. My thoughts will probably be all over the place so please be patient with me. But I guess I'll start with a little over a year ago when I made one of the worst decisions that I personally have ever made: Birth Control. Now, before I started birth control I had heard horror story upon horror story about how crazy it makes you and how it can do all this crazy stuff to your emotions. So I can't say I was completely blind sided. I just thought optimistically and pressed forward. To say I went crazy is an ABSOLUTE understatement. I honestly don't think even my family fully understood the extent of my craziness. I think the only two people that knew just how bad my emotions were getting were James and me. (And he married me anyway...wow...what a champ.) Before my wedding I told myself that it was just nerves, that I was just stressed about the wedding, that once December 7th came and went I would be back to my normal self. So the big day did just that...came and went...and guess what? I WAS STILL CRAZY! I was a monster. I would go into my bedroom and collapse on the floor and cry for no reason. I would be soooo angry one second and literally laughing the next! Poor James must have thought I was a psychopath! After much thought and consideration, (actually, I lied. It was a pretty easy decision) James and I decided that it was time for me to get off of that crazy stuff and get back to my normal self. But I didn't. Sure, about 6 weeks later it dramatically decreased. But I was NOT the normal Joy I have always known myself to be. I had so much anxiety that I almost couldn't function sometimes. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling helpless and scared. Because that wasn't me! It shook my world upside down.
It didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't just this crazy pill that was impacting my emotions. It was a combination of a few things. One of those things was my job. Being a PSR worker was hard work to put it lightly. I spent so much time working with clients and driving and writing my notes that I didn't have time for anything else! Forget working out, forget making a nice meal, and definitely forget about having free time for whatever else I wanted to do! I lived and breathed work. And as much as I looooved the people I worked with, I was just not fit for working in mental health. It drained every ounce of me.
So to sum up a long story and make it shorter, I was completely unexpectedly offered a job in Utah at the agency I did my internship with. This meant that I would be moving away from a city that was so dear to my heart. It meant I would be away from (most of) my family and friends. And it meant that we would have to QUICKLY make arrangements to move to Utah. There were multiple times where I told James, "I can't do this. It's too hard." But he pushed me because he knew that it would ultimately make me so much happier.
And he was so right! Two weeks later I started working for First Choice Home Health and Hospice as a Bereavement Coordinator which is sooooo not what I expected I would be doing with my social work degree. Basically, my job is to help the families that are grieving after their loved one passes away from a terminal illness. Sometimes I am not needed at all. Other times I am a necessary instrument. It's challenging, it's sometimes difficult, but most of all it is extremely rewarding. It has been a huge blessing that I thank my Heavenly Father for every single day. I was more than satisfied with this new job because it was a blessing in disguise.
Well, speaking of life being turned upside down and shaken up a bit, about two weeks ago I was offered an additional position at First Choice as a Chaplain! (Which for those who don't know, it is a person that provides spiritual care to the hospice patients and their families. For those who have concerns about the afterlife, God, or spirituality.) Like seriously, what the? Me? A Chaplain? Never would I have thought in a million years. At first I told my supervisor I had to think about it because I was so baffled at the offer. I went home and had a long talk with James about it. Of course James was so excited because taking on challenges and tackling the unknown is like second nature for him. For him, not only would it be a "yes" it would be a "heck yes!" But for me there were so many more factors. What would my coworkers think? What would my family think? What would my friends think? What if I go into a house and introduce myself as a Chaplain and get laughed at? What if I get asked questions that I genuinely don't know the answer to? Even after I finally decided to take the position I still had so many fears. I have to consciously stop myself from thinking about what everyone else is thinking and saying behind my back and focus on me. Focus on this new opportunity that will help me learn and grow and become a better person each day! This new opportunity that will not only help me build up others and help them be at peace with death and dying but also in return help me connect better with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to pay more attention to the spirit. And to be honest, screw all of the people that doubt me and want to see me fail. Because I am going to get out of my comfort zone and grow to be the person I want to be.
