Life Changes

Wow, life is crazy isn't it? I'm pretty sure every time we get to a place where we feel that we have a good understanding of life, a method, a stable concrete floor to stand on, we are given this "thing" that turns us upside down and shakes us up to the point where we don't know where up or down or left or right is. (Please tell me that it isn't just me...) Not that it's always a negative "thing" that causes the commotion. Sometimes it's just what we wanted, just what we were searching diligently for. But, nonetheless, it shakes things up.

I've had a lot of these "things" happen lately. I mean, seriously, just life changing events that have left me feeling..well..very humbled to say the least.

The first and most obvious event that just kind of...happened...was, yep! You guessed it! I got married! But I'll get into that one later. There are two/three that I specifically want to talk about today.

To be honest, I don't really know where to start...there is so much on my mind right now I wish I was really good at putting it all down. My thoughts will probably be all over the place so please be patient with me. But I guess I'll start with a little over a year ago when I made one of the worst decisions that I personally have ever made: Birth Control. Now, before I started birth control I had heard horror story upon horror story about how crazy it makes you and how it can do all this crazy stuff to your emotions. So I can't say I was completely blind sided. I just thought optimistically and pressed forward. To say I went crazy is an ABSOLUTE understatement. I honestly don't think even my family fully understood the extent of my craziness. I think the only two people that knew just how bad my emotions were getting were James and me. (And he married me anyway...wow...what a champ.) Before my wedding I told myself that it was just nerves, that I was just stressed about the wedding, that once December 7th came and went I would be back to my normal self. So the big day did just that...came and went...and guess what? I WAS STILL CRAZY! I was a monster. I would go into my bedroom and collapse on the floor and cry for no reason. I would be soooo angry one second and literally laughing the next! Poor James must have thought I was a psychopath! After much thought and consideration, (actually, I lied. It was a pretty easy decision) James and I decided that it was time for me to get off of that crazy stuff and get back to my normal self. But I didn't. Sure, about 6 weeks later it dramatically decreased. But I was NOT the normal Joy I have always known myself to be. I had so much anxiety that I almost couldn't function sometimes. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling helpless and scared. Because that wasn't me! It shook my world upside down.

It didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't just this crazy pill that was impacting my emotions. It was a combination of a few things. One of those things was my job. Being a PSR worker was hard work to put it lightly. I spent so much time working with clients and driving and writing my notes that I didn't have time for anything else! Forget working out, forget making a nice meal, and definitely forget about having free time for whatever else I wanted to do! I lived and breathed work. And as much as I looooved the people I worked with, I was just not fit for working in mental health. It drained every ounce of me.

So to sum up a long story and make it shorter, I was completely unexpectedly offered a job in Utah at the agency I did my internship with. This meant that I would be moving away from a city that was so dear to my heart. It meant I would be away from (most of) my family and friends. And it meant that we would have to QUICKLY make arrangements to move to Utah. There were multiple times where I told James, "I can't do this. It's too hard." But he pushed me because he knew that it would ultimately make me so much happier.

And he was so right! Two weeks later I started working for First Choice Home Health and Hospice as a Bereavement Coordinator which is sooooo not what I expected I would be doing with my social work degree. Basically, my job is to help the families that are grieving after their loved one passes away from a terminal illness. Sometimes I am not needed at all. Other times I am a necessary instrument. It's challenging, it's sometimes difficult, but most of all it is extremely rewarding. It has been a huge blessing that I thank my Heavenly Father for every single day. I was more than satisfied with this new job because it was a blessing in disguise.

Well, speaking of life being turned upside down and shaken up a bit, about two weeks ago I was offered an additional position at First Choice as a Chaplain! (Which for those who don't know, it is a person that provides spiritual care to the hospice patients and their families. For those who have concerns about the afterlife, God, or spirituality.) Like seriously, what the? Me? A Chaplain? Never would I have thought in a million years. At first I told my supervisor I had to think about it because I was so baffled at the offer. I went home and had a long talk with James about it. Of course James was so excited because taking on challenges and tackling the unknown is like second nature for him. For him, not only would it be a "yes" it would be a "heck yes!" But for me there were so many more factors. What would my coworkers think? What would my family think? What would my friends think? What if I go into a house and introduce myself as a Chaplain and get laughed at? What if I get asked questions that I genuinely don't know the answer to? Even after I finally decided to take the position I still had so many fears. I have to consciously stop myself from thinking about what everyone else is thinking and saying behind my back and focus on me. Focus on this new opportunity that will help me learn and grow and become a better person each day! This new opportunity that will not only help me build up others and help them be at peace with death and dying but also in return help me connect better with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to pay more attention to the spirit. And to be honest, screw all of the people that doubt me and want to see me fail. Because I am going to get out of my comfort zone and grow to be the person I want to be.

Live in the moment

I'm not sure that anyone really reads this blog...but if they do, or even if this apology is solely for myself, I just want to say I'm sorry that I'm a terrible day-to-day doer and that I fail to keep up with stuff like this. I am trying to be better. In fact, I think about this blog on almost a daily basis. I think, "That would be a really good thing to write about" or "I am going to write a blog post today." And then I get home from work, kiss my handsome husband, go to the gym, make dinner, clean up, watch the Walking Dead on Netflix, and the next thing I know I'm exhausted and ready for bed! It's tough stuff to keep up with a blog! But like I said, I'm trying to be better.

Due to the nature of my job, I am in the car A LOT. On a daily basis you will find me driving from one patient, to the next, to the next, etc. Have I mentioned that my particular job covers the area of South Utah County all the way up to Layton? Yeah, I am in the car A LOT. So because of this, I have a lot of time to think. Which results in many ideas for blog posts. So my problem is not WHAT to write about but more, "Where do I start?!" But after a few recent experiences I have decided what I want to start with.

The first experience happened about two weeks ago. I was doing my normal rounds, making visits to our patients. I was visiting a man in a Memory Care Unit who, like almost every other person over 80, is very hard of hearing. But this man is so hard of hearing that you have to get inches away from his ear for him to even remotely decipher what you are saying. While visiting, I looked across the room to see another man walking, well more like shuffling, his way towards us. I wasn't sure if we were his destination or if he was just wandering. Sure enough about 10 minutes later this man plopped himself right beside me. I politely said hi, introduced myself, and made some small talk. He didn't look like your typical old man, sort of younger, and he could hear me without me having to yell, so my first thought was "What is this guy doing here?" Well it didn't take me long to realize what he was doing there. Nothing that came out of his mouth made sense. Like literally...nothing. He would start talking and be like, "Yeah people of the boat on three green couch six heaved happy time things down up and around me." And I was like, "Ooohhhh. Okay. That's why you're here." Next, I look over and there is a lady standing next to me. And I couldn't really tell if she was there visiting her elderly mother or if she belonged there herself. So again, I politely said, "Hi! How are you?" And she replied, "Just waiting here for them to tell me what to do." Still confused I responded, "Aren't we all?" With a small stupid giggle. To that she responded with a big, LOUD, boisterous laugh that made it very obvious that she was a resident there. And it was in that moment, right then and there, that I thought to myself, "This is freaking awesome." I was so happy to be there. So happy to just experience life at that exact moment. So happy that I was the only one in that small group that was even conscious of reality. But I wasn't the only happy one. All three of them had big smiles on their faces. Why? Because I was smiling at them, talking to them, taking time to be there with them in that moment. And that is all that mattered right then.

The next experience happened just today. I was visiting with someone that is 100 years old. Yep. That's right. 100 YEARS OLD!!! And it's not like wilting away in bed type of old. This is like up walking around, engaging in conversation, sweet as can be type of old. But today was a rough day for this lady. I wanted to do something to help but I'm not a nurse...I'm not even a CNA. All I know to do is talk about feelings! And the bad day was making it so that no feelings could even be talked about. So I couldn't help but feel totally useless but still I wanted so badly to help! So, with permission from this lovely woman, I got down on my knees in front of her chair, and rubbed her hands and forearms (really gently obviously because I didn't want to break anything! Those are some old bones ya know?!) And for about 30 minutes I just sat and gently rubbed. She expressed several times how good it felt, how much it was helping, and how thankful she was that I was there, in that moment, taking time to help her. She was happy so therefore I was happy. Simple as that.

Now I don't tell you these stories to boast...although it might have come across that way. I just want to give a couple of examples of the importance of living in the moment. This life is really super short. I mean think about it...you are born...you learn...you keep learning...you continue to learn...and then once you are close to "getting it" you die. Don't let that thought be depressing. Make it be motivating. Make it push you to do better. To enjoy every moment just the way it is. Be thankful you can hear, that you can speak, that you can understand, that you have the opportunity to serve and be served and to feel emotions. We are so lucky. Lucky to be alive. Alive during a time that is just booming with newer and newer technology on a daily basis. Make each moment count and make sure to express how you feel about the special people in your life because you just never know when that won't be an option anymore. I love you all and thank you for reading my blog!!!

My New Blog!

At the beginning of this year, I made a New Year's resolution to start a new blog. I'm not really sure why...it could be that I really like to talk so writing a blog gives me a way to talk without having to wonder if anyone is actually listening. No...that can't be it because now I have a husband that is required to listen to what I have to say 24/7 (haha! yeah right. In a perfect world.) Or it could be that I am terrible at journaling and blogging gives me a way to record my day-to-day thoughts more conveniently. No...no...I don't think that's it either because if I know anything about myself it's that I'm not consistent with ANYTHING that I am required to do on a daily basis (except for showering...but even then sometimes that's a struggle.) Like no matter how much I try to take my vitamins every day I just can't do it. I just can't! It's so hard for me to remember to do that every day. And don't even get me started on how long I have tried to make personal scripture study a daily habit in my life. Years...it's been years. Whatever the reason is for this New Year goal, I am choosing to start it now. And let me tell you why.

For those of you that don't know this...for the past year and a half I have had the opportunity to work as a social worker. In Idaho, I worked in mental health helping teach those struggling from a mental illness how to use skills that will help them be better integrated into the community. I also helped to teach children that were struggling with various behavioral issues how to overcome some of the challenges they had at home and school. Now, in Utah, I work in the field of Hospice. That is a service for those that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness that have 6 months or less to live. We help to eliminate doctor's visits and allow them to find comfort physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the last few months of their life. Man, it's an amazing field to work in. 

Anyway, back to my purpose for my new blog. Throughout all of the work experience I have gained in the past year and a half I have learned this: Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a story to tell. Everyone lives a unique life that is unlike the life of their parents, siblings, best friends, etc. They have experiences that are life-changing either for the good or for the bad. And everyone just wants an opportunity to tell their story. One of my favorite parts of working in a job that allows me to meet new people is listening to the stories of others. Some people find this boring. Me? I find it exhilarating... I find it uplifting and fulfilling and motivating. I get to hear of the lives of others, their challenges, their blessings, their life-changing experiences. I am able to learn and grow from these stories as if I somehow was a part of them. And that's what this blog is going to be about. Part of it will focus on my life story and the things that I have experienced. And the other part will be about the things I am able to learn from others. Unfortunately, I can't get specific about people that I work with due to HIPPA (if you don't know what that is...go look it up haha!) but I just really want to share the thoughts, feelings, and impressions that I get through my interactions with others. The ones that uplift and motivate me to be better. The ones that make me happy.

So to be honest, I don't really care if people read this blog. I don't care if it becomes a hit and I get 312 comments a day. I want this blog so that I can have these experiences written down (or typed...if you really want to be specific.) I want to be able to go back and read this and be reminded that there is still happiness and "joy" in the world. (Get it? Oh yeah...slid it in there :) haha.) So goodnight for now and hopefully this isn't the last post I write!